No Attachments

Rule #5: No Attachments

While this isn't an "official" rule from the Zombieland movie, it's a recurring theme that Columbus refers to. In the beginning of the movie when the mother is driving away from the kids' birthday party he refers to "no attachments". It's probably just a given in the unwritten rules of zombie apocalypse survival. But for my purposes, #5 has been written, with good cause.

And yes, I skipped #3 and #4. I'll go back to them.

Columbus knows better than anyone that when you get attached to someone, you'll probably just get hurt in the end. It makes me wonder if the old adage is true: It's better to have loved and lost than not loved at all. That might be true, unless the pain that is caused reaches the zombie apocalypse level. You know the kind...the hurt that is only matched by watching your mother/brother/girlfriend get bit by a zombie, lose a finger/eye/leg or two, and then turn on you like you're a bacon butty. We've all had that kind of loss. The kind of break-up, betrayal, or just flat out wrong-doing that breaks our heart and leaves us wondering "What else is there in this godforsaken hell of a world for me?" The level of emotional pain that makes us regret ever falling in love in the first place.

I've been there, countless times. That's because I have always been an eternal romantic. No matter what experience has taught me, I always feel like experience is wrong. This time things will be different.
Every time so far, I've either been chased from the mall by my newly undead love or I have had be the one to pull the trigger on the brains of romance before it turned on me again.

And yet, here I am one more time. I'm letting the girl from apartment 406 into my life again, hoping for the chance to brush her hair behind her ear. I'm ignoring the scratches, bites, and high fever she brings along and I am bolting the door behind her. Why would I do this?

Because this time, things will be different.

Rule #2: Better safe, than sorry.

Rule #2: The Double Tap
"You think it’s dead (technically it was before you shot it), one more makes 100% sure."


Columbus has a lot to say about The Double Tap. While he is not into wasting ammunition, Columbus is sure that using one more bullet is a wise choice. It's all about using your resources wisely. And being sure.

Yesterday was New Years Day, and what a beauty of a day it was. I left my house to go to a NYD brunch, and on the way I put the windows down and opened the sunroof. Birds were chirping, the sun was out, even the tulips were sprouting in the garden of the party host.
After a few hours of mimosas, tequila sunrise, and chocolate wine (Ho.Lee.Crap.That.Is.Good), I headed home in equally gorgeous weather. I left the top open.
I kept my eye out the window. Still sunny. Still good.
I decided to enjoy my last few minutes of a quiet house before my kids came home. Part of me said "Go out and close the car up", just to be sure that some freak monsoon didn't descend on my car. The other part (the mimosa/chocowine part) didn't feel like being that responsible.

I shoulda listened to Columbus. Would it really have cost me that much energy to avoid the entire interior of my car getting completely soaked, including 2 books from the public library.

So, when there is a question, always go with the Double Tap. If that extra bullet will ensure that Zach is dead, or getting your lazy ass up off the sofa will ensure your stuff doesn't get soaked, go with it.
John

Columbus' Rule #1

No, I am not talking about the guy who may or may not have discovered America in 1492. I am referring to Zombieland, and the list of survival rules that the main character teaches us throughout the movie. I am not too learned to think that a zomflick (granted... a really fun, well written zomflick with good effects) has nothing to teach me about life. It does. Starting with this blog post, I will share one of Columbus' rules and how it applies to my life. There are 33.

Rule #1: Cardio

I've recently started training for a few races I will be running in May. Both of them are 5K, but not your typical 5K races. They are obstacle races. You may have heard of The Warrior Dash? Well, I plan to have my Viking helmet at the end of May. Before that though, I actually will be running from Z's at Run For Your Lives.

I've been running pretty regularly 3 times a week now. I know 5K isn't a lot, but it's a place to start. I've set this goal for myself, and I will achieve it. And plus, I just feel so darn good. In my more sedentary times, I would see people out for a run in the rain, sleet, snow...at 4am or 11pm...with their dogs, kids, or in groups...and I would wonder "WTF?" Why would someone run as a regular past time?

I get it now. My juices start flowing. My body gets moving and the blood is flowing. Sometimes, it becomes a short vacation from deep thought. I don't think about life's worries. No thinking, just running. Other times, it sets my brain in motion and I can calculate and decipher all of the day's events. I can look at things refreshed and renewed.

But when Columbus refers to cardio, he's giving advice on how to survive. Zach is fast, and hungry. You've got to be able to just keep running around the parking lot until you have a big enough lead to jump in the car, or else your some thing's dinner. What Columbus is really suggesting is endurance. Endurance is a principal that will become increasingly important to me going forward.

I am constantly surrounded by idiots. Bitter people with really bad attitudes. There is a reason that people say "the good die young". It's because bad people live a long time, and they will make it their life long mission to ruin every moment of your good life. The key is building that endurance up so that the last few of us good people can outlast the cranky bastards. Or keep the faith long enough for them to give up.

That's a satisfaction I enjoy.

Give it your best shot, Evil. Send me a million nastygram text messages. Give the Feds my new address. Make me spend hours with you and then buy someplace else. Don't clean up after your dog. Don't hold the door for me. Let your child bump into me a million times while in line at the bank. Lie. Steal. Cheat. I will not lose control.

You won't ruin my day. Tomorrow is only a few hours away. And some day you will be gone. I will smugly smile in your face while you think you have more of an impact in my life than you really do. I am surrounded by good, loving, beautiful people. I will outlast you.

Oh, by the way...I am going to start saving the dog poop you leave on my lawn and I will be dropping it into your grave some day.

Thanks.

John